Religious and goofy NBC page from the South who always has ideas for weird new TV shows. He claims his mother is his best friend and that he loves television.


“Do you know why I put up with this ‘pitiful job’, Mr. Donaghy, why I fetch these folks’ lunches and clean up their barfs? Cause they make television. And more then jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American artform”

“Oh, uh, no, sir. I don’t vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord’s name!”

“Now you’re standing on the exact spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar’s virginity”

“I don’t drink coffee, sir, I don’t drink hot liquids of any kind. That’s the devil’s temperature”

“Well, as a child, I had a prize pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets – she went crazy! She bit off my nut sack… that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels”


"Don't do it, Lisa.  It's a trap!  Run!  Run!"

"Don't do it, Lisa. It's a trap! Run! Run!"



"Hot stuff coming through!"

"Hot stuff coming through!"

Fun-loving, irresponsible, eight-toed drug dealer who works and lives with his brother’s wife and her children.


“A Mexican gynco? Nanc, if you’re putting together a mariachi band, yes, go Mexican. Down there, you want a Jew”

“Is it ok to impersonate your dead brother and pseudo-steal some money if you’re gonna use the cash for the family’s greater good?

 “Hey, what do you think is better “Jesus say relax” or “I’m to sexy for my Lord?”

“Hey Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?”

“In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the Raised Sceptre of Love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function… also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you’re a solo artist, you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right, class dismissed”

“[stoned] I’m glad that our last name isn’t Drew. ‘Cause then you’d be Nancy Drew and I’d be Andrew Drew”


"Why was I programmed to feel pain?"

"Why was I programmed to feel pain?"